In our external world of judgement, restriction, rules, guides, signs and structure, we are almost in a cage, in our bodies, we feel limited but it starts from the mind. Within us are our beliefs, memories, experiences and programs of how to behave, how to be, what to do, what is allowed, some of us rebel and some of us have different social experiences of what is acceptable. I have often reflected on the contents of my mind and I am currently working through some deep programs from long ago, as I sit in the silence of my mind and observe all the thoughts, restrictions, defeating feelings and judgements, I feel almost a slave and trapped in this space.
I have a longing today to be free, to feel at ease, for the past few days I have felt so much building, in waves it comes and drifts away. Through my new observation and awareness, it has occurred to me these programs have always been there, I was just not so aware of these ones, from conditioning and societies view of acceptable and real. We all have these inner dialogue and scripts we play unconsciously most of the time, commanding us to feelings and actions, to fall in love, to judge, to react, to reach out, to cry. As a new perspective and observation begins things start to shift around us, as it is no longer something we are unaware of.
The energies circulating at this time on earth are of higher intensity, we are being pushed to step up more, be braver, be more vulnerable, more real, more us but some of the old ways of being still remain, almost latching on to us to stay that way. As time goes on and things always shift, the learning and understanding of the self remains, weather enjoyable or uncomfortable. I have always thought I wrote for me, but as time goes on I learnt that the expression is for awareness, I make the unconscious or inner world and observation something external, a way to create and observe from a different perspective.
As with any circumstance in this experience of life, we have choice, choice in attitude, choice in attention and observation, choice to act or react to external or internal things. We all must go through our stuff, our darkness and our lightness, to balance and to integrate ourselves into a whole. As I learn from this inner perspective, to at times simply not see my life as me, to just watch it like a movie, to see my feelings as characters in a scene, letting the character evolve to learn something from its experience and colour of vibration. We can all get attached in the stories and cages in our minds, the ways we judge ourselves and others, the way we can become so consumed in being distracted from what it is that will set us free. To allow and move through the discomfort and stop resisting and avoiding it. As we project our inner words and feelings into the world, that is how we make them real.
We can see things outside as we decided within they will be, even if on some unconscious level the command lays dormant, we allow ourselves victim of this function of our being, when we refuse to learn and observe and see it as a part of us, not the whole. To also accept as a valuable part of our growth and experience. All in creation has it’s role to play, in the grand theatre of life, we can play ignorantly or we can learn within us, what is at play.
Over many years of being seen as an extrovert for way of feeling alive, to be seen even when others attempted to squash my sparkle, I was the scapegoat, the black sheep, but it was I who adopted this role, as I play out the scenes in my life. I at times am very naturally introverted, I crave reflection and alone time. I sacrificed myself to be the one who stood out, feeling a need to be seen and to be heard, this was the unconscious ploy of a child, who grew up in a big family to catholic parents and was always told to be quieter, to be more like the others. No matter how hard I at my young age attempted to be like others, I was never accepted as enough. Well that is what my mind saw, that all the expressions of words and actions by others was the result of me not being enough. As we can all feel this way and lay down our sword to cut our own head off, to be the underdog, the one no one wants and wants to help.
Deep within us though, our souls lay frustrated, asking us why we squabble to be anything other than the magnificent and unique person we are. We need not try to be anything, for anyone, for we are inside what we observe, our inner self is a part of everything outside us. We are incapable of being unworthy, for we exist as matter, for what we are meant to be, but beyond this is the awareness of all the experience and a controlled experience of expansion, to see wider, to feel less restricted, to know more, never to be more or less, but to experience and observe things on a scale our minds can not yet comprehend, for some of our inner cage is for our protection, to protect us from the what ifs and the doom and gloom of infinite potential, we build so many walls around ourselves in the pursuit of something more. But why?
In a mind of stillness and observation, higher knowing can be had, feelings can be viewed and studied without being positive or negative, these phenomena of human experience are something interesting to observe, that we all crave the same things, of love, connection and acceptance, but through fear of losing some comfort or an escape, we risk losing more. We create ways in which no one can harm us, but instead we harm ourselves, we create inner caves to hide from the things which we fear, we run from our shadows of imperfections rather than finding a deeper and more profound unity and acceptance which lies within, when we refrain from attaching to the judgements and need to know for certain.
I assure you I am working on this myself, as new programs surface, I find myself in a state of vulnerability and frustration, when I feel externally things are not going the way I would like, when I want something I don’t have, when I feel I could of and should of done something more, even though I know I can only do something in the now and that is a mere distraction of my mind to even think about it. We are all learning and if we choose, can move through the hardships we fel we are in.
Alan Watts ~ Knowing Myself By Letting Go
As I journaled today, writing all my thoughts and feelings down, I reflected and remembered how great it was to step back from the story going on in my head and to see that I was feeding it. I was dwelling on these things as me, for my awareness was given the opportunity to experience these things, but they are not me. I too do have a choice, fighting these thoughts and feelings will never make them go away, but they keep me distracted and locked in a cage in my mind, where my soul is longing for liberation from the resistance I still have, and the attachment to what I once thought I was and should be. With the fears that rise and worries of tomorrow, I choose that they will not be the creation and focus of my experience.
With love, peace and light.
❤ Namaste – Infinite blessings ❤